Dreary Summer Nights

Have you had days that made you feel hollow? The past were that for me, it's like self sabotage. Writing these words makes me cringe. I don't want to right them, but it's true. I don't really want to change. My heart wants to be the victim and refuse to take up the sword, the metaphorical ones. It sucks.
I just finished reading Storm of Swords. It was great, but I just lost myself in it. It was a crutch for this emptiness. I find a lot of things that try to mask this empty pain. I find my life to blame, but it isn't. I make the problems, so my emptiness will never fade.
I refuse to responsibility, and it scares me. That is my weakness. I do in part have some, but in truth, I refuse to do the hard things that can make me fulfilled. Why? I don't know why.
This circle of blame and shame I love to be in. It is all I known.
I don't know what to do, but I feel like an addict in a way. I just what myself to be whole and productive. I want to feel like I am doing all that I can in my actions.

Cant go to that gym. SUiCide PUSH UPS LETS GO

I am disappointed that I can't participate at the gym. 89$ is quite a lot each month for three months. My parents are not willing to pay that cost, and I don't know if I could if I had a job. I am sorry I don't, but I am a middle class suburban kid who has parents that are paying for my schooling. I work part time on and off and do odd jobs, but I haven't gotten a job yet. I am looking and applying. I call places, but no luck just yet.
I really wish I could have gone, but man I guess the daily hiit is just what I need to rely upon. I never find the motivation todo it or usually fail to wake up early enough. Another thing is that I have guests or I push it off to the point when I'm busy. I noticed today that I eat quite a lot of sugar, so I decided to moderate that the following week.
One thing that I want to do for the next week is push myself to at least to do daily hiit. It may never get the same results as those classes, but it is technically easier. I just find boredom, so I decided to watch game of thrones while I workout. Yes, in a way this makes me go slower, but at least I have more reason to just start. Most of my trouble with exercise is just actually the five minutes deciding if I should or not. Plus, I read the books so I am not glued to the screen.
Ugh at this point I don't care if I look so hot or not, I just want to be fit and maybe lean to go hard. I used to obsess about looking skinny, but now I just don't care. I am a decent person on the inside so hell yeah and fuck all the haters and I'm hilarious, I will die happy so eat that.
Consistency is key. Mindset is everything in that. Temporary discomfort is also the only hurdle for most things. Even if things seem hard in the moment, it never truly is rock bottom if you see the light at the end of tunnel.
I guess my goal for tomorrow is workout and maybe clear my room and read two chapters of my sociology book. Hope your day is great :)

Muay Thai

So I am in the process of getting ready for a Muay Thai class! I am actually really nervous. I missed the beginners introductory session yesterday because I felt lazy and also thought I couldn't have gone. So I am kind of feeling lazy again to skip it, but at the same time there is a part of me that really would like to go! I am curious as to what I will happen. I like to fight and do some combat, but only if I am comfortable with someone. I don't know if this is like really one to one, I don't even know if I can continue the sessions if they classes are too expensive. I don't even know if it will be really intense either!

I have been so lazy and unmotivated the past six months. I am being a tad more productive, but at the same time, I know I flunked my chemistry class. So I just decided, I probably will retake the class. I got C's in two classes during the spring semester. 😞. I am smart enough, but I did not study hard enough or arrived on time to anything consistently.
I am itching for change! I am itching for some structure and discipline! If I could have a personal assistant nag me to get things done in life, like wish I could! Imagine the things I could accomplish. I admire people who don't have that, but they get so much done.
I don't have a job. I am doing worse in classes. I think the only thing to do is find my real drive and passions. I am getting better with not making excuses, but it's still something I have trouble eliminating. I know when I look back at my past, I remember the things I did, but never the 20 or 40 feelings of doubt I had with the things I accomplished or failed to do. This perspective will hopefully help me stop overthinking. If I am going to do it, I go forth, and if I don't, I won't. Sometimes it's good to try and fail, because those lessons teach something more valuable than the words from a book. I don't think I will drink or smoke things until I find that sense of continued balance. Not like I have a problem with it, but I want to eliminate the extra chances of me falling by partaking in those things.
  Thing is, yes I'm still young, but I am young mentally.... I don't have all the skills I need to be the most productive member of society, so I need to remember that Everytime I want to be bad. I need to remember that temporary discomfort of working and pushing through my fears is more rewarding than staying the same. Doing the same things that contribute to the feelings of being inadequate.
There you have it, wish me look, I have a belief that this session will probably be a one time thing... but I will update later as to how the class went :).
Hopefully something goes wrong, I will be courageous enough to stand up for the good.

Renewal of my Journey

My anger, bad habits, and defeats are not me.

One thing that I need and many others should recognize is that who we are when we act bad shouldn't define us. This also counts the same for when we do good. Character is the sum of all our actions and thoughts not just one.
I am having a pretty good summer. Even though, I am not the ideal self nor do I have the accomplishments I wish to have achieved. I am accepting who am I the most right now. I also am building the boundaries that I have for others. I am a good person. I am smart, sweet, and worthy of respect.
We have to let go of the idea of perfection or even a strict black and white. As I have gotten older, no matter what, how I am is entirely up to me, and it never matters the situation I am in. The way I react to what is around me is entirely in my control. How I chose to make most of the opportunities around me really decides my future.
A good friend told me something I was astonished to finally understand. My parents and the people around me are very critical. I should feel mad sometimes. I also shouldn't let their critical words get to me because how they are is a reflection of their own inner wounds.
As I learn and grow, people that I am not accepting to hurt me will in fact hurt me. They might not be able to understand how I live and change, so they will react to it negatively. Yes my demographic and personality can limit my success and maybe even cause me harm if I try to do something. But I cannot live with fear because then I allow the continuity of marginalized thought and oppression that effects women and colored people. I have to continue on. Be it from my heart, soul, "signs", or even my thought.. whatever doors I reach and open for is a step for all those people.
I forgot that. I let laziness and fear limit my thought for so long. I let that society which breaks so many souls just get to me.
I had such a distressing past two years. There was fun, but I felt turmoil because I was not living the way I felt was right to me. I still don't think I do, but at the same time, the dips and failures I experienced really showed me the power I had.
I have the will to stand out, be loud, and do something just for the passion and not any other reason. I have the will to help someone just for their benefit.

I also found out the power of No. I exposed myself to so many things last year. I kind of learned that my life growing up is just one sliver of the human experience. By saying yes to so many peoples lives, I finally experienced the full need to say no! I cannot be around everyone. Even if I try to, some people just won't sit right with me. There are only a few that relish the same things I do. I know what I like and dislike a lot more now more than ever. 

This journey to self acceptance and being better is not over. What I find the most difficult thing now is myself. How to really start to change for the better is the challenge I am finding.

Something in return for love?

Preface

I used to have a blog mainly for personal use in order to track my diet and weight loss, but I got rid of that when I realized that I have a bigger problems. My true battle was the fight for personal freedom. It revolves around my home. What is a home? Isn't it a place where you are supposed to feel loved, sheltered, and comforted through all of life's success and battles. It all stands on the principle of selfless love.

I have been raised by Indian, strict religious parents. They are very involved in church and being their daughter, so was I. Memories of attending functions and prayer meetings proliferate more than games or sleepovers during my weekends. I can't avoid some of the resentment I have towards them for the opportunities and things I missed as a teenager. It is not a surprise that when I got into college, I tried to makeup for all that time, but it really is to no avail because my experiences in college for good or bad can never replace the growth I wish I had.

Taste of Freedom

First semester of college was an amazing experience, and the most fun I had in a long time. I would probably write a post detailing my whole experience, but right now, I want to focus on how despite the freedom and growth I had, it meant nothing when I came back home.

I am pretty open, comfortable, and smart with relationships with other people, and I have realized that I get depressed if I am not around positive people. It is like they recharge the batteries to my soul, and for the longest I though I was introverted, but now, my parents refuse to let me have that. They only accept female, Asian friends.... it is ridiculous. You cannot pick and choose relationships with people in my opinion. I became friends with people who they didn't approve of and due to my past summer history of not coming back, and I have been grounded for now.
It entirely sucks because I still go to their social functions and out with them, I would not attend, but it is like salt to their wounds, if their children represent them badly.

Damsel in Distress

I missed out on making friends, prom, parties, and even things that could have helped my career. They were afraid of letting me have freedom. Rarely even encouraged being friendly or involved with anything outside of the Indian community. I agree. all these things can be negative to a person, but I also argue that too much of church and being stuck in owns beliefs is negative.


 When someone has freedom, and it is taken away, the person naturally feels deprived. Over the two semesters out of home, I developed a sense of character and I love being independent even though their are lots of responsibilities to it. I still prefer having the guilt-free life of doing the things I want to or need to. It has made me frustrated and unhappy that although they are good parents, they do not want me to live independently. I was fine for the first week, but then I went to the movies without asking, and then I realized that things have not changed since I left for school. I did this all through out college, and it was not even because I was doing something bad, but I did not feel permission was needed for every move I make.

 They do not see me as a individual. It is the culture they are raised to that results in these ideas, but I do not agree with it. It took me a years of battling with depression, self-loathing, traumatic fights, skipping school(my grades still were intact surprisingly), and self-denial during high-school to see that I cannot live according to their views. I thought I was out of that hole, but as soon as I came back to the environment that festered these feelings....I seem to be tethering on full on despair. I tell them this, but it goes on to deaf ears because they think this sadness is normal. They thinking being stuck in the house is normal, and they think driving me around is normal. I am 19 years old. I am a strong (almost) woman. I have boundaries and rules that are different theirs.

There still is Hope

The worst part of all this is when things get tough, I think about suicide, and this has not happened since junior year of high-school. This time, instead of entertaining idea, I try to get proactive with changing that feeling. I really don't want them to be seen as bad people, but they just don't know how to handle someone who doesn't have the same views as them, and I realize that a lot of parents struggle with this issue.

I now know that I need to get out of this house. I now realize that it is important for me to make moves in order to live in a better environment. Although they provide me with money, education, and a shelter...I cannot keep living lies. I literally turned into someone with barely any friends or support because I let them get into my head. My focus for the rest of this summer, even if it means having to work with their uncomfortable selves, is to work. I can probably make around 1000-1500 dollars. I won't spend any of it, and I want to start a checking and savings account separate from them when I get back to school.

There is three things to get there.
Mentally:
Staying positive
Being connected to the ones that are there for me
Realizing that bad days are chances to build character
Never settling for less with people, careers, and myself

Physically:
Continuing my education
Cellphone, - Cellphone insurance, -Cellphone provider,
 Car, - car insurance,
Place - WiFi, -insurance -food -furniture


Unfortunately, who ever says love is paying your bills and your lifestyle will always want something in return. This is incredibly selfish, and I urge you to get out of that situation because you will only become an object, commodity, and animal in your own eyes.

Please follow my blog, if you want to read of my journey. Please post comments if you are stuck in a similar situation, agree, or disagree with what I shared, and please treat your family and friends with care. This world is a cruel place, and things only happen when their is a community behind it.