Dreary Summer Nights

Have you had days that made you feel hollow? The past were that for me, it's like self sabotage. Writing these words makes me cringe. I don't want to right them, but it's true. I don't really want to change. My heart wants to be the victim and refuse to take up the sword, the metaphorical ones. It sucks.
I just finished reading Storm of Swords. It was great, but I just lost myself in it. It was a crutch for this emptiness. I find a lot of things that try to mask this empty pain. I find my life to blame, but it isn't. I make the problems, so my emptiness will never fade.
I refuse to responsibility, and it scares me. That is my weakness. I do in part have some, but in truth, I refuse to do the hard things that can make me fulfilled. Why? I don't know why.
This circle of blame and shame I love to be in. It is all I known.
I don't know what to do, but I feel like an addict in a way. I just what myself to be whole and productive. I want to feel like I am doing all that I can in my actions.

Cant go to that gym. SUiCide PUSH UPS LETS GO

I am disappointed that I can't participate at the gym. 89$ is quite a lot each month for three months. My parents are not willing to pay that cost, and I don't know if I could if I had a job. I am sorry I don't, but I am a middle class suburban kid who has parents that are paying for my schooling. I work part time on and off and do odd jobs, but I haven't gotten a job yet. I am looking and applying. I call places, but no luck just yet.
I really wish I could have gone, but man I guess the daily hiit is just what I need to rely upon. I never find the motivation todo it or usually fail to wake up early enough. Another thing is that I have guests or I push it off to the point when I'm busy. I noticed today that I eat quite a lot of sugar, so I decided to moderate that the following week.
One thing that I want to do for the next week is push myself to at least to do daily hiit. It may never get the same results as those classes, but it is technically easier. I just find boredom, so I decided to watch game of thrones while I workout. Yes, in a way this makes me go slower, but at least I have more reason to just start. Most of my trouble with exercise is just actually the five minutes deciding if I should or not. Plus, I read the books so I am not glued to the screen.
Ugh at this point I don't care if I look so hot or not, I just want to be fit and maybe lean to go hard. I used to obsess about looking skinny, but now I just don't care. I am a decent person on the inside so hell yeah and fuck all the haters and I'm hilarious, I will die happy so eat that.
Consistency is key. Mindset is everything in that. Temporary discomfort is also the only hurdle for most things. Even if things seem hard in the moment, it never truly is rock bottom if you see the light at the end of tunnel.
I guess my goal for tomorrow is workout and maybe clear my room and read two chapters of my sociology book. Hope your day is great :)

Muay Thai

So I am in the process of getting ready for a Muay Thai class! I am actually really nervous. I missed the beginners introductory session yesterday because I felt lazy and also thought I couldn't have gone. So I am kind of feeling lazy again to skip it, but at the same time there is a part of me that really would like to go! I am curious as to what I will happen. I like to fight and do some combat, but only if I am comfortable with someone. I don't know if this is like really one to one, I don't even know if I can continue the sessions if they classes are too expensive. I don't even know if it will be really intense either!

I have been so lazy and unmotivated the past six months. I am being a tad more productive, but at the same time, I know I flunked my chemistry class. So I just decided, I probably will retake the class. I got C's in two classes during the spring semester. 😞. I am smart enough, but I did not study hard enough or arrived on time to anything consistently.
I am itching for change! I am itching for some structure and discipline! If I could have a personal assistant nag me to get things done in life, like wish I could! Imagine the things I could accomplish. I admire people who don't have that, but they get so much done.
I don't have a job. I am doing worse in classes. I think the only thing to do is find my real drive and passions. I am getting better with not making excuses, but it's still something I have trouble eliminating. I know when I look back at my past, I remember the things I did, but never the 20 or 40 feelings of doubt I had with the things I accomplished or failed to do. This perspective will hopefully help me stop overthinking. If I am going to do it, I go forth, and if I don't, I won't. Sometimes it's good to try and fail, because those lessons teach something more valuable than the words from a book. I don't think I will drink or smoke things until I find that sense of continued balance. Not like I have a problem with it, but I want to eliminate the extra chances of me falling by partaking in those things.
  Thing is, yes I'm still young, but I am young mentally.... I don't have all the skills I need to be the most productive member of society, so I need to remember that Everytime I want to be bad. I need to remember that temporary discomfort of working and pushing through my fears is more rewarding than staying the same. Doing the same things that contribute to the feelings of being inadequate.
There you have it, wish me look, I have a belief that this session will probably be a one time thing... but I will update later as to how the class went :).
Hopefully something goes wrong, I will be courageous enough to stand up for the good.

Renewal of my Journey

My anger, bad habits, and defeats are not me.

One thing that I need and many others should recognize is that who we are when we act bad shouldn't define us. This also counts the same for when we do good. Character is the sum of all our actions and thoughts not just one.
I am having a pretty good summer. Even though, I am not the ideal self nor do I have the accomplishments I wish to have achieved. I am accepting who am I the most right now. I also am building the boundaries that I have for others. I am a good person. I am smart, sweet, and worthy of respect.
We have to let go of the idea of perfection or even a strict black and white. As I have gotten older, no matter what, how I am is entirely up to me, and it never matters the situation I am in. The way I react to what is around me is entirely in my control. How I chose to make most of the opportunities around me really decides my future.
A good friend told me something I was astonished to finally understand. My parents and the people around me are very critical. I should feel mad sometimes. I also shouldn't let their critical words get to me because how they are is a reflection of their own inner wounds.
As I learn and grow, people that I am not accepting to hurt me will in fact hurt me. They might not be able to understand how I live and change, so they will react to it negatively. Yes my demographic and personality can limit my success and maybe even cause me harm if I try to do something. But I cannot live with fear because then I allow the continuity of marginalized thought and oppression that effects women and colored people. I have to continue on. Be it from my heart, soul, "signs", or even my thought.. whatever doors I reach and open for is a step for all those people.
I forgot that. I let laziness and fear limit my thought for so long. I let that society which breaks so many souls just get to me.
I had such a distressing past two years. There was fun, but I felt turmoil because I was not living the way I felt was right to me. I still don't think I do, but at the same time, the dips and failures I experienced really showed me the power I had.
I have the will to stand out, be loud, and do something just for the passion and not any other reason. I have the will to help someone just for their benefit.

I also found out the power of No. I exposed myself to so many things last year. I kind of learned that my life growing up is just one sliver of the human experience. By saying yes to so many peoples lives, I finally experienced the full need to say no! I cannot be around everyone. Even if I try to, some people just won't sit right with me. There are only a few that relish the same things I do. I know what I like and dislike a lot more now more than ever. 

This journey to self acceptance and being better is not over. What I find the most difficult thing now is myself. How to really start to change for the better is the challenge I am finding.