Dreary Summer Nights

Have you had days that made you feel hollow? The past were that for me, it's like self sabotage. Writing these words makes me cringe. I don't want to right them, but it's true. I don't really want to change. My heart wants to be the victim and refuse to take up the sword, the metaphorical ones. It sucks.
I just finished reading Storm of Swords. It was great, but I just lost myself in it. It was a crutch for this emptiness. I find a lot of things that try to mask this empty pain. I find my life to blame, but it isn't. I make the problems, so my emptiness will never fade.
I refuse to responsibility, and it scares me. That is my weakness. I do in part have some, but in truth, I refuse to do the hard things that can make me fulfilled. Why? I don't know why.
This circle of blame and shame I love to be in. It is all I known.
I don't know what to do, but I feel like an addict in a way. I just what myself to be whole and productive. I want to feel like I am doing all that I can in my actions.