Something in return for love?

Preface

I used to have a blog mainly for personal use in order to track my diet and weight loss, but I got rid of that when I realized that I have a bigger problems. My true battle was the fight for personal freedom. It revolves around my home. What is a home? Isn't it a place where you are supposed to feel loved, sheltered, and comforted through all of life's success and battles. It all stands on the principle of selfless love.

I have been raised by Indian, strict religious parents. They are very involved in church and being their daughter, so was I. Memories of attending functions and prayer meetings proliferate more than games or sleepovers during my weekends. I can't avoid some of the resentment I have towards them for the opportunities and things I missed as a teenager. It is not a surprise that when I got into college, I tried to makeup for all that time, but it really is to no avail because my experiences in college for good or bad can never replace the growth I wish I had.

Taste of Freedom

First semester of college was an amazing experience, and the most fun I had in a long time. I would probably write a post detailing my whole experience, but right now, I want to focus on how despite the freedom and growth I had, it meant nothing when I came back home.

I am pretty open, comfortable, and smart with relationships with other people, and I have realized that I get depressed if I am not around positive people. It is like they recharge the batteries to my soul, and for the longest I though I was introverted, but now, my parents refuse to let me have that. They only accept female, Asian friends.... it is ridiculous. You cannot pick and choose relationships with people in my opinion. I became friends with people who they didn't approve of and due to my past summer history of not coming back, and I have been grounded for now.
It entirely sucks because I still go to their social functions and out with them, I would not attend, but it is like salt to their wounds, if their children represent them badly.

Damsel in Distress

I missed out on making friends, prom, parties, and even things that could have helped my career. They were afraid of letting me have freedom. Rarely even encouraged being friendly or involved with anything outside of the Indian community. I agree. all these things can be negative to a person, but I also argue that too much of church and being stuck in owns beliefs is negative.


 When someone has freedom, and it is taken away, the person naturally feels deprived. Over the two semesters out of home, I developed a sense of character and I love being independent even though their are lots of responsibilities to it. I still prefer having the guilt-free life of doing the things I want to or need to. It has made me frustrated and unhappy that although they are good parents, they do not want me to live independently. I was fine for the first week, but then I went to the movies without asking, and then I realized that things have not changed since I left for school. I did this all through out college, and it was not even because I was doing something bad, but I did not feel permission was needed for every move I make.

 They do not see me as a individual. It is the culture they are raised to that results in these ideas, but I do not agree with it. It took me a years of battling with depression, self-loathing, traumatic fights, skipping school(my grades still were intact surprisingly), and self-denial during high-school to see that I cannot live according to their views. I thought I was out of that hole, but as soon as I came back to the environment that festered these feelings....I seem to be tethering on full on despair. I tell them this, but it goes on to deaf ears because they think this sadness is normal. They thinking being stuck in the house is normal, and they think driving me around is normal. I am 19 years old. I am a strong (almost) woman. I have boundaries and rules that are different theirs.

There still is Hope

The worst part of all this is when things get tough, I think about suicide, and this has not happened since junior year of high-school. This time, instead of entertaining idea, I try to get proactive with changing that feeling. I really don't want them to be seen as bad people, but they just don't know how to handle someone who doesn't have the same views as them, and I realize that a lot of parents struggle with this issue.

I now know that I need to get out of this house. I now realize that it is important for me to make moves in order to live in a better environment. Although they provide me with money, education, and a shelter...I cannot keep living lies. I literally turned into someone with barely any friends or support because I let them get into my head. My focus for the rest of this summer, even if it means having to work with their uncomfortable selves, is to work. I can probably make around 1000-1500 dollars. I won't spend any of it, and I want to start a checking and savings account separate from them when I get back to school.

There is three things to get there.
Mentally:
Staying positive
Being connected to the ones that are there for me
Realizing that bad days are chances to build character
Never settling for less with people, careers, and myself

Physically:
Continuing my education
Cellphone, - Cellphone insurance, -Cellphone provider,
 Car, - car insurance,
Place - WiFi, -insurance -food -furniture


Unfortunately, who ever says love is paying your bills and your lifestyle will always want something in return. This is incredibly selfish, and I urge you to get out of that situation because you will only become an object, commodity, and animal in your own eyes.

Please follow my blog, if you want to read of my journey. Please post comments if you are stuck in a similar situation, agree, or disagree with what I shared, and please treat your family and friends with care. This world is a cruel place, and things only happen when their is a community behind it.